Monday, August 31, 2009

Top 10 reasons you know you have August Ass

August is drawing to a close. My top 10 reasons you know you have August Ass (some of them re-printed from a blog I wrote years back):

10. You wake up every morning thinking that maybe possibly you are at home in your own bed. You then realize that you are in the 122nd hotel room of the season, inducing an attempt at smothering yourself with a pillow.

9. You frown and grimace with each bite of another sandwich from the spread table. With nothing else to eat, you still finish it, have a second, and then look pissed off for no apparent reason.

8. You go to the field and hide every object within the visual spectrum, blunt or sharp, to avoid harming yourself or others.

7. Out of boredom, you find yourself dipping or chewing during games even though you don't dip or chew.

6. You blame everything on a single teammate (every team has a team scapegoat). When this gets old, you blame everything on the trainer, which is never good since he's had a case of the Overworked Ass since February.

5. You had an off-day and wanted to do nothing but sit by yourself with your headphones on.

4. You're tired of sitting in a hotel room so you decide to go to the field early. Upon reaching the field, you find that you're tired of baseball stadiums, and wish you were back in the hotel room.

3. You start howling at the moon for no apparent reason, even during the day, even in public places. You wish the moon would howl back just so you would have someone else to talk to.

2. While walking to lunch, you yell at a random person, "Who's crazy?!" and then just keep on walking.

1. You've already made plans for the first week after the season ends, and think of these plans while banging your head against a wall and crushing another pack of sunflower seeds.

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